Anticipating Joy

My husband and I desperately wanted children. When we had been married for 5 years I finally became pregnant. We were so thrilled! We found the perfect old-fashioned wooden cradle and bought some baby clothes and other darling accessories before we even knew if we were having a boy or a girl. We had had names picked out for years and were ready to go!

You can imagine our excitement when we heard the baby’s tiny heartbeat for the first time. I thought about the baby all the time. I daydreamed constantly, and cheerfully put up with all the sickness because I was so sure it was all going to be worth it when I held that baby in my arms.

Pain

But then one day the pains and bleeding started. It was Christmas time. I remember being in the emergency room with my husband on that very long day. (In order to help me keep my mind off of things, he started a game of 20 questions to have me guess what he was getting me for Christmas.) I remember the horrible pains. I remember the hot blankets the nurses kept bringing in to stop my shivering. And I remember the excruciating moment when they took me in for an ultrasound and the baby was no longer there.

We came home and put away the cradle that had been sitting expectantly in our bedroom. We boxed up everything that would remind us of the baby who would no longer be coming in a few months. We called our families and let them know it was all over.

The following day was Christmas Eve and we decided to open our presents early to try and cheer ourselves up. But there was no present that could fill the void in my heart that year. The next several weeks were a blur of tears and heartache. My body physically healed, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to make any progress with my emotional healing.

Is my faith not strong enought?

Months passed. It was still hard. I was still crying frequently. I began to feel bad that I was still struggling. I had faith in God and that He was in charge. I believed I would see my baby again, in this life or the next. I knew that part of the reason we are on this earth is to go through hard things and have our faith tested. I knew God was there for me and that He was in charge and everything would work out for the best. So why couldn’t I stop crying? Why couldn’t I heal? Was my faith not strong enough? What was I doing wrong? And, along with the pain, a new sensation began to creep in. Guilt. Guilt that I was continuing to struggle for longer than I thought I should. Guilt that even though I knew God was real and that He loved me, I wasn’t comforted.

Yes, it hurts, and that’s okay.

One day, I was on the phone with my mom talking about it all. I had just had another major crying session and my impatience with myself was at an all-time high. I was so frustrated that my faith wasn’t enough to make the pain go away. “Why can’t I get over this?” I sobbed.

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a moment. Then, she said something that changed my outlook completely.

She said, “You know, Katy, God doesn’t expect these things not to hurt. He just wants you to turn to Him when they do.”

I was stunned. God was not sitting there judging me and wondering why I wasn’t feeling better yet. He wasn’t frustrated that I was struggling. And He definitely wasn’t viewing it as a sign of my weak faith. Suddenly, instead of a disappointed God, I saw a loving God whose heart was breaking with mine; a God who knows that having faith doesn’t mean life is never hard or painful; a God who simply wanted me to turn to Him in my pain and confusion so He could hold me while I cried on his shoulder instead of crying alone.

Jesus Wept

In John chapter 11, we read the story of Martha, Mary and their brother, Lazarus. Lazarus had been very ill and Martha and Mary sent word to their friend, Jesus. The Biblical account tells us that Jesus waited for two whole days before he came. He was allowing Lazarus to die, so he could show forth God’s power by raising him from the dead. Of course, Martha and Mary didn’t know this, and when Jesus arrived, they were distraught over their brother’s death. Mary, when she heard the Savior had finally arrived, ran to him and fell at his feet crying, “Lord, if you had been here, by brother would not have died!”

And then, something amazing happens. Verse 35 simply says, “Jesus wept.” Jesus, who knew that he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, that everything would be alright, and that Martha and Mary would soon be comforted, wept with them. Martha even told Jesus that she knew she would see Lazarus again in the resurrection, but she still cries, and Jesus does not condemn her for it. He does not ask them why they are crying. He doesn’t point out that they shouldn’t be sad because they know they will see Lazarus again. No, He doesn’t do any of those things. He knows they have faith, and he knows it still hurts. So he weeps with them.

Your Faith isn’t at Fault

My dear friends, life is hard. At times it seems all but unbearable. But when you find yourself feeling like your sadness or pain has gone on too long, and that your faith must be at fault, I hope you remember that you are not alone. I hope you remember that God does not expect these things not to be hard; He simply wants you to turn to Him when they are. I hope you remember that “Jesus wept.”